I am leaving tomorrow for a business trip for a whole week. I have always said growing up is hard to do and some days I miss my innocence. As I finish up writing this raw blog I just finished wiping away tears from my face and blowing my nose. My tears were and are separation anxiety tears. Ever since my brother passed away it’s been my parents and I, then my boyfriend came along and its been the four of us ever since. The three of them are my personal cheerleaders. I feel so safe and comfortable with the three of them. I am so comfortable at home, it’s hard because I wish the rest of the world was mirrored. On this blog I have often talked about my past, the good the bad and the ugly. When I am with the three of them I can forget about everything because I feel so seen and heard. When I am having a hard time in life I think about positive childhood memories I have.
So today being Valentine’s day it just makes sense to write about my Valentines Day past.
My parents were the first people that ever truly loved me. They are the first people I ever truly loved. I have a vivid memory of my mom and I in our new house when I was little. I had just gotten my hand-me-down play kitchen that was yellow it was in our living room. I woke up from my nap to a game of hot and cold, finally I found a purple Barbie tin with candy in it in my play kitchen cubby holder. I then think about the time she bought me a Valentines Day outfit to wear to my class party. It was hearts head to toe including underwear. My mom always came to my school celebrations. She would stick a card in my lunchbox with a puppy love broach from her and my dad. When I couldn’t be with them, I always got a card and a little treat from the dollar store.
I always loved giving people treats and giving my classmates valentines. You remember filling the decorated brown paper bags hung up under the white board too right? I especially loved giving the ones with Bratz dolls on them.
I made a vow this year that instead of a regular New Years resolution my resolution was to love. Although before my year of love I have always been known to be a hard lover. I have always given really hard hugs and kisses to the people I love. Tonight my parents and boyfriend were all sitting around the dining room table trying to comfort me my mom asked me “what do I have control over?” Here is what I have control over in this minute. I know I want to mirror my home life of comfort, safety and security that my parents and boyfriend and many others have provided to me. I wish everyday I could give people treats that told them how much I truly appreciated them just like you do in school on Valentines Day. It’s not just about champagne and rom-coms and chocolate covered strawberries, but being reassured that love exists and is what truly makes the world go around. Here is to loving with my whole heart and working through separation anxiety.
Spilling The Beans 