A few months ago I was binge watching the Queen’s Gambit. No spoilers here but there is one scene since watching it all the way through twice that has really stuck with me. When she was having her first interview, the reporter brought up the idea of Beth having Apophenia. The reporter states “psychosis and creativity go hand in hand.” Those words haunt me, in a good way. Apophenia means you have a heightened sense to find patterns. When I was doing further research on this I learned that Apophenia is sometimes the beginning stage of schizophrenia. We see early on that having Apophenia did not stop Beth from being the astounding Chess player she was, in fact it may have given her a one up in the tournaments. Of course there wasn’t an official diagnosis and it is a Netflix show.
Some people have asked invasive questions about my brother. “What medication was he on?” “What was his diagnosis?” “What method did he choose to kill himself.” “Did he have bipolar disorder?” Getting back to the Queen’s Gambit the show struck me right when it did. I usually don’t let these invasive questions or comments bother me. When I was watching the Queen’s Gambit it was almost perfect timing because I had heard the most insensitive of all comments. “Be careful having children because mental illness from your brother is hereditary.” This takes a bee sting to a whole new level. I mean if someone has allergies, cancer, a heart condition, should they not have kids? This comment has really been a challenge for me to cope with, I will not lie.
When I was processing this I was talking to someone and they brought up this idea. Van Gogh had mental illness and he was brilliant. What does this say about Van Gogh and intolerance? I then began to research famous people with mental illness. The next person that popped up was Beethoven. Beethoven the composer had bipolar disorder and there is even a book he is featured in called Manic Depression and the Creative Life. So then I thought again about the Queen’s Gambit,“Psychosis and creativity go hand in hand”. Creativity from psychosis can come in all different shapes and sizes. Greta Thurnburg is on the autism spectrum disorder just like my brother was and she is doing amazing things for our world and getting creative in innovative ways to reduce her carbon footprint.
My brother was hands down the smartest person I have ever met. At age 6 he was building the lego sets for ages 12 and up. He could take apart an entire computer and put it back together again with no instructions. He questioned evolution and creationism at the mere age of 8. He studied flight patterns daily, researched new and old car engines, makes and models and had a passion for trains. He could truly outsmart anyone in his path. When I reflect on his geniuses I am stunned that he passed away when he was 17 because he was beyond wise throughout his years on this earth. This month it would have been his 20th birthday and he had dreams of becoming a fighter pilot.
So all in all I am not saying psychosis is a bad thing it is just how different people think. I wish I didn’t have to deal with these insensitive and cruel words but I do. I hope one day that the people who say these things know that they are crossing boundaries. I hope they picture a world without Starry Night by Van Gogh, how sad would that be? At this very moment the only person I can control is myself and my prospective. When it is time for me to have children I would want people to be happy for me and not worry about the potential illnesses of my child. I hope that one day whatever child I raise will inherit the wonderful geniuses of my brother, I hope they express themselves like Van Gogh and Beethoven. I hope they come up with innovative ways to do good in this world like Greta. Most importantly I hope if they don’t have anything nice to say they won’t say it. I will forever think of the positivity of psychosis and the effect it has on creativity and I pray for those who are intolerant and insensitive of unique thinkers.
Spilling The Beans 